My journey away from intrusive thoughts and into positivity

 I have a blog, apparently. I didn't realize it. I haven't posted in 10 years (literally) and boy... things have changed. 

In April 2023, I got a big client at work. I'm an accountant, but a specific type of accountant who uses a specific type of software. 

Well, this new client was far outside of that industry and with a completely new software package. I immediately began to panic and then fell into some of the darkest depression I've ever had. 

I've had suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember--literally back to my childhood. I am blind and my parents were extremely abusive. I've dealt with bullying and trauma for as long as I can remember and I carried all of this into my adult years. 

I have fallen in and out of depression for decades, but this time was different. I had actually started formulated a plan to take my own life. Why bother continuing if my existence was going to encompass mental torment for another 30-40 years? 

I have a family I love--a wonderful wife, sister, and great pets. I think they have ultimately kept me going for years. Ending my life would put a tremendous amount of pain on them all, so I have simply suffered instead. Better I take the torment than pass it onto them. 

I also had the realization that I have watched every TedX talk on YouTube that involves suicide. When you view a video, the thumbnail presents with a red line. I was scrolling down in April and there were dozens of red lines staring me in the face. 

"This is it," I thought. I was finally going to do it. But... then I stumbled onto a video that jarred me.

https://youtu.be/EgU3i-g8ZRY

Then another: "How can you say you're exhausted with depression and anxiety? You're not actually doing anything." 

That is true; I wasn't. However, I wasn't aware that there was anything I could do outside of antidepressants, therapy and suffering. I was born depressed, right? And anxious? It's my parents' fault.

I learned that anxiety and depression are habits--thinking patterns. Perhaps some of it is environmental or genetic, but I like the message that I can be in control. I don't want to be a victim. 

That's where it started, but that won't be where it ends. 

I'm not a journaling type of person, but I've seen this recommendation from many people who I greatly admire and respect. I want to chronicle from April 2023 where I was planning to die to whenever. I want to see where this goes. 

It's been a few months now and I am doing better. I am long way away from being "recovered" whatever that means, but I have a path in front of me. I can take my power back. I can live a good life. 

I will look back on this one day and be happy to have taken the difficult journey to mindfulness. I guarantee it.