"I can't wait" makes me feel anxious. Instead, I'm replacing it with "I'm looking forward to...."
It immediately makes me feel better.
I'm looking forward to being more mindful.
I'm looking forward to financial independence.
I'm looking forward to retirement.
I'm looking forward to spending time with my wonderful wife.
I'm looking forward to playing with my dogs.
I'm looking forward to life!
I have a blog, apparently. I didn't realize it. I haven't posted in 10 years (literally) and boy... things have changed.
In April 2023, I got a big client at work. I'm an accountant, but a specific type of accountant who uses a specific type of software.
Well, this new client was far outside of that industry and with a completely new software package. I immediately began to panic and then fell into some of the darkest depression I've ever had.
I've had suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember--literally back to my childhood. I am blind and my parents were extremely abusive. I've dealt with bullying and trauma for as long as I can remember and I carried all of this into my adult years.
I have fallen in and out of depression for decades, but this time was different. I had actually started formulated a plan to take my own life. Why bother continuing if my existence was going to encompass mental torment for another 30-40 years?
I have a family I love--a wonderful wife, sister, and great pets. I think they have ultimately kept me going for years. Ending my life would put a tremendous amount of pain on them all, so I have simply suffered instead. Better I take the torment than pass it onto them.
I also had the realization that I have watched every TedX talk on YouTube that involves suicide. When you view a video, the thumbnail presents with a red line. I was scrolling down in April and there were dozens of red lines staring me in the face.
"This is it," I thought. I was finally going to do it. But... then I stumbled onto a video that jarred me.
https://youtu.be/EgU3i-g8ZRY
Then another: "How can you say you're exhausted with depression and anxiety? You're not actually doing anything."
That is true; I wasn't. However, I wasn't aware that there was anything I could do outside of antidepressants, therapy and suffering. I was born depressed, right? And anxious? It's my parents' fault.
I learned that anxiety and depression are habits--thinking patterns. Perhaps some of it is environmental or genetic, but I like the message that I can be in control. I don't want to be a victim.
That's where it started, but that won't be where it ends.
I'm not a journaling type of person, but I've seen this recommendation from many people who I greatly admire and respect. I want to chronicle from April 2023 where I was planning to die to whenever. I want to see where this goes.
It's been a few months now and I am doing better. I am long way away from being "recovered" whatever that means, but I have a path in front of me. I can take my power back. I can live a good life.
I will look back on this one day and be happy to have taken the difficult journey to mindfulness. I guarantee it.
